Reality is a harsh, bitter pill...

I've made a mistake....I've fucked something up, and it's all my fault.

Have any of you, my faithful readers, been involved with someone who you just COULDNT be good for, no matter what you did? No matter how hard you tried, you just couldnt change yourself....no matter HOW good they were for you, you convinced yourself it wouldnt work, and because you love self fulfilling prophecies, it didnt? Well...that's whats happened to me.

It has been ongoing....2 years almost......2 years of the utmost happiness and joy, 2 years of hell, 2 years of laughing and great times, 2 years of tears. Today was the end of that....today it's over. I made SO many mistakes....so many mistakes....it hurts to think of how badly I hurt someone else. It hurts to think of how I fucked up....and Yes, it was my fault. I know the mistakes I made, REGARDLESS of how I never admit them, I know what they were. I know that I fucked up, and I know that today was my fault.

I wish to god *or whoever's out there that people wish to* that I could have learned to listen with my heart.....I learned to trust...I learned to accept....I learned to believe. And that was the hardest lesson of all....with SO many people telling me too many things, I wasnt ever able to make up my OWN mind....I wasnt able to ever really come to a decision by myself, because I was TOO influenced by other people's rumors.

I thought TOO much, I analyzed too much, I weighed my options, and always kept one foot out the door, and never commit myself to anything. It's the safest self defense mechanism that I have....keep your foot out the door, and your head facing forward, because If you hurt me, I can run as fast as I can....and if I never really look at you, I dont have to see how hurt you are....or how much I hurt you.

And after today.....after this...after the conversation, I wish I could take it all back, and start over again. I wish I had you the same way I had you 2 years ago....but...but but but....I KNOW that the reason I dont, is me. Its my fault I shut my heart off to you.

If I listened with my heart, i'd understand that everything you said, was right....and that you loved me as much as you said you did...and still do....

I love you so much, I wish I could have been better for you.