Friday, October 28, 2005

In your twentys......


They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have
to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

I dont know about you guys...but this totally sums up my life for the past 7 years. I'd love to say thanks to my favorite LD for saving this for me, and to my other Weewot. I Love you dearly...cheer're amazing!

Oh good LORD!

Okay....the last post caused a GREAT deal of controversy and argument.

I ASK and EXPECT that anyone who wants to comment on this blog keep in mind that other people may find things that you say insulting and offensive. PLEASE try to keep this in consideration before you comment.

IF your comment causes insult to anyone, it will be removed. And if it doesnt stop, comments will be turned of completely.

Why the drama people? Obviously we arent all going to agree on everything, but recognize that your opinion, or someone else's opinion, and that includes mine, isnt necessarily RIGHT, but it's your own, and you're entitled to it....and have the right to express it. Just please do it diplomatically.....

Lets please try to get along people.......

Now, with that said...Abortion: Right to choose or right to life?

KIDDING...dont discuss that...its the last thing this blog needs...more drama.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

A HNT Disaster!!! *A day early*

I feel as though i've been neglecting you, which I HAVE been, but midterms have gotten me SO mental, that I cant do anything besides fight with one person in particular, and study....and let me tell you...studying and fighting do NOT mix well together.....But I digress.....

For HNT, since I didnt do one last week, and I injured my webcam from dropping it on the floor, I decided to show you a piece of my soul....a passion for causing calamity wherever I go.....So for HNT, I decided to show you a part of myself that very few know stupidity.

For those of who dont know what that is, It's Monet's Spring In Giverny, 1890. And my absolute most favorite Monet picture of all time. I dont know what it is about impressionism....but it reminds me of sitting in a car, when its raining, no wipers, looking out at the world through wet windows....But I love it. Anyway.....on with the story.

Go back, 10 or so months. I'm working in MA, at a facility where the kids havent really been all that exposed to "culture" of this sort, so in an attempt to get them interested, we take them to a wonderful art museum, in the middle of nowhere, with loads of originals. Id never been before, and had no clue what I was in store for.....but when I walked into one of the display rooms, my heart skipped a beat, when I saw this painting....An original of my absolute favorite...this is the luckiest day of my life....

I'm transfixed. The kids are talking to me and asking why I love it so much...i'm speechless. But I manage to say, "its amazing to me, that when Monet put a paintbrush on canvas, this is what came out"....I'm really in awe, and I cant believe how beautiful it is in person. The rest of the group is elsewhere in the room, and i'm all alone with this masterpiece.....and it's So beautiful....that I want to just reach out and touch it...I just want to put my finger on this amazing piece of work, becuase i cant believe it's really there, in front of me.....

And so I touched it....And it shook a little........

And then, the alarms went off.....

And then, the lights went off.....

And then, the springloaded doors slammed shut.......

And then the security guards all came running, and opened the doors, and saw the kids standing too close to a picture, and went right over to them, and said that they had set off the alarms becuase they were standing too close, as they were sensored for heat, wind, and movement.

And I just stood there.....staring, at these kids getting in shit for something I had stupidly done.....and I never said a word......

Happy HNT everyone.....LOL!!!!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Another blogger survey....

Name someone with the same birthday as you:
Dunno....November 5th anyone?

Where was your first kiss?
Joshua Fairweather....Grade 1...along the fence at the back of the playground.

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone elses property?
No...but believe me, I have SERIOUSLY thought about it many times....but i'd never do it, i'm not like that.

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Not even when he hit me....

Have you ever sung in front of a large crowd?
LOL....god no....HOWEVER, this summer, we were all hanging around and Colin pulls out his guitar, and I asked him to play the blues. The real louisiana twangy blues that when the music stops, then you sing. And I proceeded to make up songs about the people that were there, and we were all laughing so hard....

Whats the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
I like this question...because it says "preferred sex".....not opposite sex. Uhhh...first thing? Back, broad shoulders, and teeth. It all depends on what direction he's facing.

What do you order at the Coffee Bean?
Tea, and we have Tim Hortons here....

What is your biggest mistake?
His name was James, and it took me 8 years to walk away.

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Physically, no, i'm a suck when it comes to pain...but emotionally is a different story. I have hurt myself knowing that I was making a mistake....I went back after everytime that he hit me, and even the one time he had his hands wrapped around my throat. I know it was a mistake, but i've left now...and i'm adult enough to learn from them.

Say something totally random about yourself:
If it's warm outside, and it pours rain, like buckets...i'll go outside and jump in the puddles.

Has anyone ever said you look like a celbrity?

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
I hate movies with i try to steer clear....the only exception I have for this, is the muppets...but usually i skip past the singing parts.

Did you have braces?
Nope....these pearly whites are all natural

Are you comfortable with your height?
Well, at 5'9...its hard to be because I'm taller than everyone girl I know, but its not like I can will myself shorter, so i've had to get used to it.

What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Nothing....people dont do romantic things for me.

When do you know its love?
When you find someone that makes you feel better about things, and you never want anyone else to make you feel better ever again....

Do you speak any other languages?
Parlo Italiano

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
YES...its so relaxing, but I havent been in a long time

What magazines do you read?
I read the newspaper instead

Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yup...many times

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
I find it funny that this question is below the limo question, as usually the two are associated. But yes, I've lost many people that I was close to...grandparents, friends, clients, aunts uncles....I've been to about 20 funerals of people that I Was close to, and loads to people that I knew and were close to someone else that I Care about.

Do you watch MTV?
I dont watch tv...well...not true. I Watch the Amazing race....thats it

Whats something that really annoys you?
When the phone cord gets all tangled and twisted.....

Do you like Micheal Jackson?
Nope, I only liked Thriller, becuase the video was scary when I Was 4....

Whats the latest you've stayed up?
I think a better question is "Whats the longest you've dtayed up?" And the answer to that, is 40 hours.

Have you ever been rushed by ambulance to an emergency room?
Nah, my parents were always good about getting us to the emerg in time themselves. Even when my sister found out that she was deathly allergic to clams, and her throat closed up, they could get her there faster than waiting for an ambulance, and then going....

Do you actually read these when people fill them out?
Truth? Sometimes....not all the time.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Of Midterms, Weewots and Lame pick up lines

This is going to be the most RANDOM blog...but it will give you lots of things to comment on until I after my midterm friday.

Midterms - First, I'd like to say, that I wrote one midterm today. I took LOADS of practise tests online, and study guides, blah blah blah....and scored close to perfect on all of them....HOWEVER, when I got into my exam today, the questions were substantially harder, and I'm not feeling as confident as I did when I Was sitting in the comfort of my own home drinking a glass of wine and taking practise tests. I THINK i passed, I hope I I only have my Sex midterm friday, and Anthropology monday, then I at least have a week break until my LAST midterm!!! HORRAY!!! Then November is assignment month, and then december its all over again for Exams. Fuck, I cant believe theres only 6 weeks left in the semester!!!

Weewots - After reading Phil's crazy blog about mimes, I realized that I cant wait to have children, because I am SO excited to shape someone's reality, it's not even funny. I remember my friend Chad and I used to talk about this in great length when his wife was pregnant with their first child. He was intent on telling his child that there he was very famous, and that there were many books written about him and I quote "Maybe you've heard of it, Its called "The Bible". I mean, how would his kid know? Connor *as he was named* would only know what Chad told him, and he'd have to go on that....After these conversations, I realized what an impact we have on little kids' reality. Now that I have 2 neices I torment them about things like this.....until someone comes along and ruins my fun. Of course, with a just turned 3 year old and a 4 year old, who know how to read, shaping their reality isnt easy anymore....Yes yes, they can read....the older one could read last year, my sister workds VERY closely with them and they're in private education classes. Anyway, I digress.....I will at ONE point in my life, convince a child that something is called a Weewot. I dont know what it is about that word, its not a word, but it's fun. It sounds British. LOL....anyway...fork, table, car,'s going to be a Weewot. I'll let you know.

Lame Pick Up Lines - After I narrowly escaped being accosted by someone wearing acid wash and a turtleneck *shudder*, I started to think about what would have happen if he had REALLY sat down....He didnt, I pulled out my cell phone, and was immediately engrossed in conversation, but what would have happened if he did? Would he have been all Sly, and said, "so...whatcha studying for?" Or something lame like that....and I was forced to recall the all of the pick up lines that I have endured. HOWEVER, I decided to share the BEST pickup line that I have EVER heard. A few years ago, I was in Montreal at a MMA (mixed martial arts) event, and this guy literally comes up to me and says "Hey, you're hot...wanna go halves on a baby?"At which point, after I said "What" to make sure I heard him correctly, and when I was sure I had, I just about died laughing.....and his name was Ritchie, and he was a PHENOMENAL BJJ fighter! Sometimes, those lines...they work.

Whats the BEST pick up line you've ever heard?

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Rules....oh Ya, there are Rules!!!

I'm shallow. Let me be the FIRST to admit it, out loud. From roof tops. I am VERY sorry, but I think apperances matter, and anyone who says they dont, is a bloody liar. You are not FIRSTLY attraced to someone by their witty sarcasm...The first thing you notice about someone is their looks, not sparkling charm....Unless you're Jo Jo's Psychic alliance, there's NO way you're going to know what someone is like until you talk to them....and the first reason you would GO talk to them, is because you're attracted to them physically.

So, i'm sitting on campus today *Miss Ash, you'll apprecaite this one*, and there's this guy, who I notice staring at me...No, I wasnt staring at him Miss Ash.....Anyway, he catches my eye, and smiles, and i'm like UGH....I just want to study, leave me alone. So At first glance, he appears to be mildly good looking. He's not horrendous, but he's not gorgeous. So he stands up, and starts to make his way over, and you'll never guess what he's wearing. A Turtleneck....UGH! Not one of those fasionable turtleneck sweaters either, he's wearing a skin tight, navy blue turtleneck, with a windbreaker overtop of it, and ACID WASH JEANS!!!

I'm horrified. HORRIFIED...and i'm sorry, he might be the NICEST guy in the world, but i'm NOT attracted to someone who wears these types of clothes.

I'll admit, all of my ex's except one, who I dated YEARS ago, have dressed relatively well. I mean, Gap, Banana Republic, J Crew, know, Nice. And because of this, my views on what I find attractive have taken on shallow meanings in terms of over the years, I have compiled a short list of what I find unacceptable when it comes to my boyfriends wardrobe.

Allow me to introduce: The Rules

I'm sorry, but I dont think they're at all attractive, and are ONLY Acceptable if you're going skiing, and they are under 2 sweaters, and your ski jacket, AND I dont have to see the turtleneck itself.

I cant, I cant do it...boys in overalls are NOT attractive. To me, overalls SCREAM Osh Kosh B'Gosh, and 3 year olds with pigtails....grown men, do NOT look good in overalls.

3. NO COWBOY BOOTS (or subsequent cowboy attire)!!!
I REFUSE to date anyone who calls their shoes "shit kickers"....and I dont think that men should wear pointy shoes, unless they are lifetime employees of "Santa's Workshop"

If you are a cyclist, then MAYBE, but that is the ONLY case where this is an exeption. I am not attracted to men whose clothes are SO tight, that you can tell if they are circumsized or not!

Although this rule can be bent if you're wearing something.....No, you know what? No...No trenchcoats.

I'm sorry, some of you MAY not agree with me on these, and you dont have to. These are MY preferences, and i'm entitled to them. As of recent, my list is starting to acknowledge OTHER varieties that may make the list soon, including: No Tyedie, it's not 1992 anymore people....although remember Hypercolor??? I had one of those. But I wouldnt wear it today.
And NO windbreakers.....I dont even THINK that I need to explain this.

For those of you who shop at thrift stores...that's all fine and good, an item or two from a thrift store can bring much needed flair to your outfit, but when your ENTIRE wardrobe costs less than 100 dollars....its starting to become a problem. I LIKE men who wear nice clothes, sue me.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Oh god...someone SHOOT Me.

I cant study anymore....i'm going crazy.

I was up yesterday at 6am, getting ready for my 8:30 class.....when I got home, I took a short lunch break and then hit the books....stopped to make dinner, and took a little break around 8 to listen to some music....then I got back to it. My phone rang at 2:00am. I was still studying, but had NO clue what time it was, and when he told me what time it was, I just about died. I laughed and said that I had been up almost 24 hours, which atleast 12 of those were spent doing some sort of work.

And then exhaustion hit....I was SO tired, that I could barely crawl to my bed.

Today I work....LOL....NOT WORK...WOKE...fuck i'm studying too hard. I WOKE up at 9:30, and hit the books at 12. I was SO antsy by 5, that I had to go out for a long walk. I took a three hour break, and its now 48 minutes after I started studying again, and i'm about to go insane.....I dont mind doing the readings and all, but it's just the sitting there, reading it over part, that kills me. I cant learn like that, but the one midterm that i'm studying for, I have 60 pages of notes. LIKE i'm going to write them all over again....

I decide to get my study guides and check what i've learned so far by doing the practise questions. Of the first chapter for my sociology practise, I got 3 right, out of 15. LOL...I ALMOST cried. is it that you spend SO much time doing something, and then not know ANY of it??? But I did the remaining 3 chapters, and did subsequently better...but still...i'm only about 40% ready, and it's on my one on friday that i'm only 30% ready for.....

I WANT to get my masters, and in order to do so, I have to get all really good grades.....but packing it up, and taking next semesters tuition money, and going to europe and never coming back sounds REALLY good right about now.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

HNT and Crazy Midterms

Yes PX, I decided not to post your "Pants"...and I ask you to stop sending me pictures of your flashy underwear. With that said, on with the show.

Happy HNT everyone. I decided to post my eye. No one believes that they are 4 colors...but if you look close enough, they are. Steely blue grey ring, green, yellow around the black dot, and little tiny brown flecks that didnt quite show up in this picture...but they're there. Trust me.

I have midterms next week. I forgot how stressful they are, and how much work is involved in getting ready for midterms. Since I moved back to Windsor, I have felt like the local nerd, as I have spent COUNTLESS hours in the library reading, and trying to stay caught up.

And the funny thing, is that I only have 4 midterms. But Of course, as anyone who has ever been behind in their readings, I am TRUELY behind in my reading. I still havent even bought one of the textbooks for one of my classes. But I am hoping to have all of my work done and pass my midterms. Getting ready for my masters is turning out to be a lot of work that I forgot existed.

Ugh...someone come over and take my midterms for me. Oh my god...I dont even have a student card's the middle of October. I cant take my midterms without them. I completely forgot that I needed one. I'll do that today. I'm SUCH A slacker!

This is my pathetic post....I've got SO much work to do....wish me luck...I need it.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Homecoming Horror

I cant believe that it has been 6 days since I posted. I'm sorry...LOL

It was Thanksgiving for all Canadians this weekend, so I went home for some good old fashioned screaming and food fights. I dont really get along with my family all that much, so for me to make the effort to go visit them, and have a sit down dinner with all of them, requires some patience, and a lot of booze.

What age were you, when you realized that your parents home, is no longer the place you consider home? I mean, I left when I was 18....i lived in my university city for almost 5 years. When I was finished school, I had to have surgery on my ankle because it broke too many times, and I purposely had it where I went to school, so that I was hours from my family. I didnt want to leave Windsor. But when I woke up from surgery, there they were, and they took me home. So I recouped from surgery, and got a job, lived there for 3 wretched years, and moved to the states. Lived there a while, decided to come back to school, moved home for 5 weeks until I got a place in Windsor again, and here I am.

This weekend, having my own home to come back to, I realized that I HATE going to my parents house. I have never gotten along with them as people. they're my parents, and that's it. We dont know anything about eachother, as people. They have never met any of my boyfriends, or been involved in any part of my life. Its funny, I have been friends with this guy for 10 years. Like GOOD friends. They only met him 2 years ago.....

Okay, let me give you an example of why pulling your eyeballs out is better than an evening with my family. I have a VERY small family, 17 people total...both sides. 2 grandparents, mom and aunt, dad and uncle, and their respective partners and children, plus sister, and her family. Thats everything we do, we do together.....they go out for dinner every friday together, they have dinner sunday ever week together, they WORK together, it's very close as they are eachothers best friends. And in spending all that time together, you get to learn a thing or 2 about them...and in spending that much time together, I have learned, that my family, well not me, my sister or 5 cousins, everyone in the parents generation and up, are EXTREMELY racist.

Its sick, I know.....because it's 2005. Fucking racism right??? But thats who they are. I dont agree with it, and call them on it ALL the time, but i cant control what comes out of their mouth. As a matter of fact, Jenny refuses "to hang out with my racists family anymore"...and I dont blame her. I'm starting to think like that too. MY aunt, for example is sitting at the table on sunday, drinking her 8th glass of wine *as my family are also a bunch of drunks* and A is over, and we're talking about travelling. I mention that A has been to Japan, and my aunt jumps in and says something to the effect of "I've have no deisre to go anywhere over there. I dont like that race". To which me and A look at eachother, and just about DIE.

I jump all over her, and tell her that she doesnt like an entire continent of people, but continues to support their economy by buy their how rude it was, and I couldnt believe she just said that. I was SO appauled, I couldnt believe she said that, and had NO problem saying that. My family is very well off, and is extremely well travelled. I'm SURPRISED that they have attitudes that are this disgusting......and you wonder why they've never met any of my boyfriends right?

You know, all I ever wanted out of MY life, children wise, was to adpot kids from southeast asia, africa, where ever...i want to have a family thats completely multicultural.......these are the reasons i think twice about it. Will they accept my baby from Cambodia? Will the accept my baby from India? Will the accept my baby from Tanzania? Probably not....assholes......rude ignorant fucking assholes...."I dont like that race".....thats probably the rudest, most disgusting thing i've ever heard in my entire life......

I cant believe the racism that exists still.....someone I know, HATES east indian people....all of them. He says they're cheap. So he's basing his opinion on that. We have gotten into countless arguments about his racial slurs, and I have told him that If I ever hear him talk about anyone like that, ever again, it will be the last time he talks to me. I have a wonderful friend from Bangladesh.....I cant imagine anyone NOT liking her, becuase of her skin fucking makes me more sick than you'll ever know.

You know, my favorite opera is playing in toronto, and when I knew I wasnt going...i should have stayed in windsor. It was a sign of bad things to come....although, dont get me wrong, the weekend wasnt a TOTAL pisser. I spent LOADS of time with A, had dinner with her family, and took my neices to see Corpse Bride. *GO SEE that movie!!!* Actually, and A watched the newest Amityville movie. It was creepy as hell, and she jumped like every 15 minutes over something. And she made me sit in the "scary corner" of her bed. Yes....she's afraid of a corner of her bed....I have asked, but I dont know why exactly, she's just afraid of it....maybe she should blog about it.

And, from now on, i'm going to stay at my sisters when I go home...its the only way to remain sane I think.

Thursday, October 06, 2005


Allow me to introduce you to....My Hair.

So it's my curse...that's right, and it's a pain in my i decided to post it, so that you can all advise me on whether or not to cut it off! ALL off!!! Becuase I have been thinking about it for some time. HOWEVER, it is getting colder, and long hair is beneficial in the neck doesnt like the cold.

Anyway, that's my HNT picture....and after the week I had, that's all you're getting.

I've been slightly elusive for the past few days, becuase I have been doing some serious thinking about my situation...and I must say, THANK YOU guys for all of your suggestions, some of them REALLY helped....and actually helped me come to a conclusion.

Of the two, the other day, one called 25 times, IN ONE HOUR, and left 25 messages. The other, the next day called 10 times within a half hour, and left 10 messages. At THIS point, most people would have kicked BOTH nutters out of their lives for good. And to tell you the truth, this is what I did.

To the one who called 25 times in one hour, and left 25 messages.....I told them that they were CRAZY, and to stop, because, aside from bordering on harassment, they were mental. And I work with too many mental people, to have them in my life outside of a working environment.

The other, who called me 10 times inside a half hour, and left 10 messages.....They told me that they couldnt do "this" anymore, and decided to get rid of me......Which is their decision, and I accept that. However, this person still calls everyday, and I still dont know where I stand now with them. In their life, because they call still everyday, or out of their life, because thats what they said they wanted.....I wish people would make up their minds.....

Wouldnt it be nice if there wasnt any drama...although as one good friend of mine pointed out, she said I like this sort of drama, and attract these sorts of people into my life....and it may very well be possible....but as soon as she said that, I resolved to myself, that even if I cant get rid of drama forever, at least I could get rid of THIS drama.

This will be my last post on the subject. I've gotten too many phone messages about it that go something like this "Why are you talking about our personal lives on your blog???" LOL!!! I thought this was MY blog, and that I was allowed to post whatever I wanted....but since when am I not allowed to talk about my life? LOL!!!! Whatever right???

Saturday, October 01, 2005

I need some hard core downtime.

This battle between the two people in my life has REALLY REALLY gotten to me. It evokes fight after fight, and SO many phone calls, i've stopped picking it up.

They're complaining about one another, begging for my time. Arguing with me over EVERYTHING "Why do they get that, and I dont?" "Why do they have to be the last person you talk to at night, and not me?"

It's starting to drive me crazy....literally. After a HUGELY heated debate last night, in which the one person got SO pissed off about the situation, they slammed the phone down. Its competition, and neither of them likes it. Although ONE knows that they are more important than the other, and has nothing to worry about. Its STILL not enough. Its not enough that I devote MORE time to that person....they want it ALL. How can I give them everything, when they're pushing me so far away?

Anyway, last night was wretched....and After that, I went right to bed, and woke up this morning, and vowed to myself that I would spend the entire day at the library, which I did. I dont think I could have gotten any more reading done today if I tried.

Point of my post??? This is fucking bullshit, and Its driving me away from the comfort of my own home....because the fighting wont stop. So what better thing to do? Avoid it at all costs. I know it might still be here when I get back, but fuck them. I'm stuck in the middle, and neither of them seems to fucking care what this is doing to me....Assholes.

IF EITHER OF YOU ARE READING THIS....Ya, and you know who you are.....Last night was it, I cant take this shit anymore. I need both of you to stop, and leave me alone for a couple of selfish SELFISH children.