Monday, November 28, 2005

Resolutions we can all live by.

Every year, around this time, I start to get flustered with my life. Overwhelmed, in need of change. As I am sure that everyone does at one point in the year. I'm feeling a bit.....not stale, but comfortable I suppose.

Its when I feel like this, that I throw caution to the wind, and buy a new car, or pick up and move to another country.....or some other reckless, nonsensical thing I can think of that makes my life a bit more exciting, until I start to get bored again.

Someone told me that I most likely had ADD. And maybe I do. I do get bored easily, and like to change my life around every once in a while. But I dont get distracted easliy, and can concentrate for long periods of time on one thing. So maybe not. I can diagnose it in other people, but not in myself. Besides, I never even heard of ADD until the invention of Ritalin. So that in itself sparks a bit of controversy. But I digress.

The end of the year is coming, and its funny. I was at Miss Ash's last night, and do you know what we talked about??? New Years Eve Plans. Ugh. I HATE trying to make plans for NYE. And frankly, I feel like i've lived a million of them.....they dont seem so special anymore. I was going to go to Winnipeg, but that sort of fell through. I'm really disappointed about it, I was looking forward to going....and I was even willing to brave the cold.....but it sort of isnt going to happen anymore. So I need to make new plans.

What's everyone thinking of doing this year, I need some suggestions.

And then of course, the ever dreaded New Years Resolution. EVERY YEAR, I have one resolution, that I stick by, until I forget about it...but when I remember it, it empowers me, and makes me feel good. What is this infamous yearly resolution you ask? Well, it's simple really. Ever year my resolution is "Fuck it". And NOT in a dirty whorish porn sense, but in an emotional, and psychological debilitating way. If I cant do anything about it, fuck it. Move on. And for those of you who think that's a stupid resolution, try it for one week. If it's out of your control, if you cant change it, if you want it but cant have it, if you give up because someone doesnt care enough and you're at the end of your rope, if someone pisses you off.....for whatever works. Trust me. It gives you some small control of your life. *It's funny, becuase every year, my highest occurrences of dates, and meeting new men, comes in the first 3-4 months of the year.....when this resolution is in full effect. And NO...i dont tell them my resolution, because it might come across the wrong way.

So for this up and coming year, I resolve to do the following:

1. "Fuck it"....and oldie but a goodie.
2. But a new speed bag *HEY...i can put that on my x-mas list*
3. Drink more/party more (this immediatly makes me think of tequila for some reason...Ahhh Jose....where have you been all my life)
4. Work harder to get the fuck out of school and find something to do with my life
5. Become an expert in driving standard.
6. Spoil myself
7. Take no shit from anyone

If everyone made resolution lists of things they actually wanted....they'd be much happier. NO ONE who resolves to go to the gym everyday is ever going to follow it. Forcing yourself to the gym, or to quit smoking, is the fastest way to increase weight and cigarettes smoked.

Resolutions??? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Its Sunday Already

I dont know what it is about pre-exam weeks, but they fly by, and before you know it, its already been a week since you said "I cant believe it's already sunday".

I ALSO realized that I hadnt posted in a while, but I have a reason for this. When I was sitting in my class friday morning, thinking about my upcoming weekend plans, I decided that what I had to do, seemed pointless and stupid. So, on a whim, I decided to come home and get some work done.

This weekend:

I cancelled BOTH of my dates, and said that I was sorry, but I just didnt want to date anyone now. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. I called them both on my way out the door, and said that I was going to go home for the weekend, I needed a break from Windsor. I just dont want to date anyone now...and it's going to stay like that for a while....

A nice boy told me he loved me, and the feeling I got from those 3 words sent shivers up my spine and made me feel amazing. I forgot how good they sounded from the right person. And so, since they gave me that feeling, I knew that going on a date, or out with any guy other than him, was the wrong decision. End of story. I cancelled my dates, and havent looked back. *even if one of those guys IS a multimillionaire....LOL!!!*

I decided to come home, went to the casino with a friend of mine and watched him turn 25$ into 2000$ two hours....Where as I blew the money I brought with me. So much for wanting to Win something this year.

I went to see harry potter today. Good movie. I recommend it even if you arent following the series. It's a good story. However, having read the books, and the 4th being my favorite so far, I noticed that it jumps rather quickly from one thing to the next. They had a LOT to cram into that movie, and what they did, they did well. But they covered a lot in a shirt time, and left quite a bit out. But, other than that, it was fantastic, and what they did cover, they covered well. But the third movie is still my favorite.

I saw a picture today of someone that I really care about, who I havent seen in a long time. I forgot how gorgeous he is....and it brought tears to my eyes, because I miss him terribly. Fighting does that to people. Makes them forget how much they care.....I cant believe how much you dont know you miss someone until you see them.

Fuck, this was a shitty post. Sorry about that. I'm extremely distracted today.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

A change for the better

I've been having a good week. Like REALLY good week *of course meaning week beginning monday, as someone once taught me, it is best to start things on mondays*

So far this week, I:

- Did a lot of readings to catch up for my exams
- Convinced myself that I will not learn through osmosis *although i'm sure the theory still has some merit*
- finished a paper that I was avoiding becuase I thought it was going to be a lot harder than it was, and it only ended up taking me about 5 hours to completely finish and type.
- Confronted my noisy neighbors who keep me up until 5am daily playing poker all night long. After I talked to them last night, I didnt hear one noise out of their apartment, and I think i've made some headway *but that remains to be seen*
- met TWO new guys, and managed to get myself TWO dates. *one of the guys I just met yesterday in class, but as we left class, he said he didnt want to leave becuase I was so interesting to listen to, that he walked me all the way home.*
- Asked my mom for a pair of mittens for Christmas that MATCH my scarf, instead of getting a new one.
- I think I made a decision about giong back to the States. It's tempting, but I left to come back to school, and upgrade myself. That was something I wanted. I think i'm staying here, and turning the job down *I can still go back and work for the summer months, I just wont have the promotion.*
- Watched the most AMAZING movie Crash. It just came out recently, and is about racism. It's fantastic if you havent seen it....
- Also watched Million Dollar Baby, and regardless of what everyone said, was a Good movie....but NO. I did NOT cry. LOL

It's snowing today. I LOVE the first real snowfall of the year. The earth is changing, and you can smell it in the air. *by FAR, my most favorite smell...the changing of the seasons.*

And snow reminds me of Crhistmas break...where my most favorite place to be in the entire world is beside a toasty REAL fire *not a gas fireplace* with a good book and a huge mug of hot chocolate and baileys....mmmmmm.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Dear Santa...

I never had a Christmas wishlist. Ever. I never asked for anything, and my mom was always mad because she never knew what to buy for me. But I suppose I always had everything I wanted......I never asked for gifts...I always just said, money, even as a child. *which I would end up putting in the bank and sitting on it.*

Although, before I could write, my mom wrote a letter to Santa for me, as I dictated. She still has it, and it still makes me laugh....It said something along the lines of "Dear Santa, I dont want any presents this year, except maybe a new barbie. I dont know if I have been a good girl this year, but I at least have done good enough to deserve a barbie. I'm not saying thank you."

With letters like that, I cant believe I managed to get ANYTHING at all. LOL@ I'm not saying thank you. I was SUCH a fucker when I was little.

You know, that was the only letter I wrote to Santa....well...that an an exceptionally mean one where I questioned his existance years later that I wrote with Miss Ash. She can vouch for this. She was a big proponent of writing to Santa every year, and I remember seeing the response letters she would get....I always wanted letterhead from the "North Pole" but never wanted anything that would require a letter.....Ash, how old were we when we wrote to Santa that year??? She was horrified that I even sent that letter....LOL.

This year, i'd like a few things....

Unhinged Princess proudly presents her FIRST offical christmas list.

Dear Santa,

This year i'd like:

1. A new job *although my old employer pulled through with a job offer, its still up in the air, and i'm still undecided*
2. A New car
3. A nice boyfriend, who's cute and motivated, who likes Smarties and horror movies BUT isnt a geek OR a "TYB"....Phil is apparently working on this one...LOL.
4. I'd like to win something, anything...i've never won anything Except for those concert tickets to "the Cure"...that was AMAZING, but it was in 1997. I think i'm due to win again.
5. A new cashmere scarf from Coach *I bought one last year, but out of the goodness of my heart, my sister loved it so much I gave it to her...although I do have that other scarf from Coach, So this I want the least amount*

Well....I dont really want to win anything, winning things is just fun, but I dont care either way.

I dont NEED another cashmere scarf....the one I have is fine, its just not a solid color like the one I gave my sister, but i'm happy with mine, so scratch that one too.

I dont really want a new boyfriend right away...I've only been REALLY completely 100% single of all men, including people to just "whatever" with for 2 weeks. And it's the first time, i've been free of ALL guys for 10 years....*this still shocks me when I say it out loud...the first time i've been 100% free of all guys in TEN YEARS!!! I dont know where the time went*....Maybe i'm enjoying being single.....I met a new guy...who happens to be a very welathy man.....but he's a great deal older than me....its the only thing holding me back. So...maybe scratch that one too. *sorry Phil. LOL*

What does that leave me with?

A car, and a job. are out there, I just really want a new experiences. PLUS I can always go back to MA. So I dont really need a job, I just need to make a decision on an offer....I already have the job if I want it. So....that one's gone too.

A car. That's whats left......I like my car. I dont really want a new one just yet. Maybe next year.

This is the reason i've never had a Christmas list.

I'm not saying Thank you.
xoxo...Unhinged Princess

Thursday, November 17, 2005

A dilemma.

Okay....Mostly all of you know that I worked, not too long ago, at a mental health facility in the States. It was outside of Boston, more towards the west, and I recently left the job to come back to school to upgrade and get my MSW.

I left that job for a variety of reasons, but not because I didnt like it. I LOVED that job, and was really good at it. I think about the place often, and miss the kids a great deal, and wonder how "my ten boys" are doing.

I came back to school with the mindset that i'd get my MSW, and in turn get a better higher paying job, as it so usually happens with an MSW. However something has happened today that has turned my thinking more towards my future, and thrown a wrench into my plans.

I am in the prcess of trying to get a job, somewhere in the field, becuase no matter what i'm at school for, or upgrading for, or what my MOM wants me to do with my life, I LOVE social services, and cant imagine myself doing anything other than that for the rest of my life. I love corrections and I love mental health. And the love for these jobs is what drove me back to school, to be able to get a better job, and keep working in this field more closely, and of course, making more money.

And since I am in the process of trying to get a new job, I resolved that I would call my old place of employment, and let them know that i'm using them as a reference, so they better tell who ever calls, how much they loved me when I was there. So I called them today to get a letter of reference, and let them know that people might call, and so i'm talking to THE boss, and she tells me that the supervisor one day left work, and then never showed up again....and right there, on the phone, she offered me THAT job. Supervisors position. And of course for more money.

Now...I know that HR has the ultimate say of who gets hired, but they told me when I left that a summer position would always be available for me inbetween school years. And why was I quitting, and moving back to Canada, when they would pay for my edcucation??? I told them that I had to come back to my university to upgrade beacuse I was below the acceptance for grad school, and once I upgraded, i'd get in no problem.

So...this is what i'm thinking. I've resolved to come back to school, upgrade, get my MSW, to get a better more high up position that pays more money.......However, my old palce of employment has talked to me today, and OFFERED me that position.........not to mention reminding me that If I still wanted to go to grad school, that if I get A's they pay my tuition, if I dont get A's, they only pay 70%......

WOW right? They'd put my in charge of the house that I worked at. In Charge.....but of course, only one half of the week, as shifts run sunday to wednesday and then wednesday to saturday.
I'd be in charge of an entire house......the second half of the week.

And the funny thing is that, as soon as my old boss said the words, "would you like to come back and take this position"..she thought it was the GREATEST idea she's ever had....She's calling the HR guy to talk to him to see if I could skip training, and just jump right into it......and she's working out all the details with him, and calling me back tonight.

And the thing about it is...i'm kind of excited......I could get the position, without being in school for the next couple of years working for it.

I dunno...what do you guys think????? I LOVED the job....dont think that I left because I hated it, or the people. I was about school, and making more money.

I need opinions on this people...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Is it my life? Or a whimsical British novel?

So I decided to clean my bathroom. Like REALLY clean it..and i'm not one for getting on my knees and scubbing the floor, but this time, I felt motivated.

So I clean the bathroom and it's sparkling....and i'm pretty impressed that I did such a good job. And after my bathroom is pristine, I figure the last thing to do is the floor. I get my srcubby brush and start scrubbing the floor. I have mopped the floor before, but never cleaned the grout inbetween the tiles. And they're GROSS. Like yucky dirty. It gets to the point where i'm just pushing dirty water back and forth. So I get out my trusty mop and wipe up the dirty water. And since the tub is the only place big enough to rinse out the mop....there goes my clean tub. But I figure that I can just quickly rinse it out since its clean already.

I finish the floor, and run outside to grab something out of my car, and when I come bakc, I hear that there's water running. I figured that i'd left the tub running from cleaning out the mop, but when I walk into my bathroom, i'm horrified.

For those of you who read my post a bit back, my landlord had knocked a hole in the ceiling becuse of the plumbing in the apartment above mine. At least the ceiling had prevented the water coming from above in constant streams, but now that there's a huge hole there, I come back into my bathroom after having cleaned it from corner to corner to find a stream of dirty rusty pipe water splashing down all over my clean bathroom.

And I just stood there, and put my hands on my hips and thought that this doesnt happen in real life. This is the stuff that sitcoms are made of.....either that, or the words you'd find written in Bridget Jones' diary. My landlord promised to fix the ceiling "tomorrow morning, i swear, i'll fix it tomorrow morning." That was 2 days ago.

After that, I cleaned up the new mess and resolved to myself not to clean my bathroom again in such detail until the ceiling was fixed.

Cut to today. My mom calls me, she's faxing something to someone for me, and she doenst have the fax number, I forgot to send it to her. So i have to get the paper, but fail to realize that the phone cord has wrapped itself around my foot, and when I go to walk away, my foot snags the cord, pulls the phone out of my hand and crashing to the floor AND rips the jack out of the wall.

I didnt bring my cordless with me, so this is a telecommunications disaster!!!

Do things like this happen to no one else??? Am I the only one who lives with these sorts of things? If someone experiences daily occurrences like this. Please write about them, it might make me feel better to know that i'm not the only one who's this unlucky.

Update: 12:18am. Turned around to crack my back while sitting on the floor, and smashed into a glass that was ALSO on the floor, breaking the glass, and slicing my hand to ribbons in the process. *here's to hoping I got all the glass out of my cuts*

Friday, November 11, 2005

Have a Yucky Day...

Ive been a bit of an Oscar lately......Infact, i've been so grumpy that I havent wanted to leave my apartment in days.

For the past week, i've been an absolute nightmare. And Since it was my birthday, and I was rediculously sick, I decided the only way to get over my bit of "gouch week" was to go shopping. And in doing so, I went to the mall on Tuesday, and Wednesday *after class of course* and got all of my Christmas shopping done and out of the way. I REFUSE to go to the mall any time past December 1st. If you cant blame me.

Now, I know I know, I loathe Christmas, it's full of jolly well wishers and do gooders. UGH. I'm a do gooder all year long, and to see people pretend for a couple of weeks to get along and make nice with everyone they hate the rest of the year, just doesnt cut it for me. A bunch of people doing nice things to feel good about themselves just for 2 weeksa year is about as sentimental as running naked through a patch of drywall insulation.

But I dad was always one of those big Churchy types. He's straight off the boat from Italy, so the majority of my Sunday's involved me getting up at the crack of dawn to go sit in a stuffy room with a bunch of stuffy people sitting there listening to a guy blab on about not having sex before marriage. NO THANKS.

So when I hit 18, I firmly put my foot down and said, No more church. I decided to "Do good" in other ways. So after university, I got a job at a crisis shelter, and volunteered at a soup kitchen. But I still managed to make it to church every Christmas and Easter, and I collectively became what is now known as a "Chreaster" church goer. HOWEVER, one fateful year, Christmas eve happened to fall on a Monday. And since my family was going to church at 5pm, I decided that since it conflicted with my obligations at the soup kitchen, I was going to go to my volunteer position instead. I think God would have been happier that I was feeding the homeless rather than sit in some stuffy building, with stuffy people, listen to a guy blab on about no sex before marriage. LOL

My dad proceeded to be mad at me until Easter, when I had a chance to redeem myself and go to church....but I didnt go then either...and havent gone since. I am of the mindset that says "who says I have to go sit in a building one hour a week to prove that I believe something"....If sitting in a building proves that you believe in something, then I wonder what going to the movies proves you believe in.....or the theater....or school....or your job. Dont those places count for something? ANYTHING??? What if someone has a picture of Jesus up at your desk? Is it as good as going to church?

But I digress again....the entire point of this post was to share with the world, that i'm no longer grouchy, as shopping cured me, and I got all my x-mas shopping done and out of the way with. Yay me!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Christmas....With FLARE!!!

Yes....That's a Stocking.....THE ULTIMATE christmas stocking....And my HNT.

If I loathe Christmas, but have to celebrate, i'm going to do it my way....head to chimney in patent leather.

Monday, November 07, 2005

A Birthday Cold and Christmas Carols

Well, its offical. 28. My birthday was this past weekend, and I decided to skip class on Friday and take an extended vacation. When your birthday is the weekend, and you have a close friend who's birthday is the day before yours, its mandatory to take an extra day. It's called "Being a good friend, and a lazy student". I digress.

I drive home thursday night, and I was tormented about whether or not to skip my thursday class as well, but decided it against it, and wound up getting home just in time to eat dinner and watch survivor. I dont know if it was the 2 solid weeks of studying that I did, and then having nothing to do, but within that hour that I was relaxing, the worst cold set in, and I lost my voice....I went to bed at 10pm. I woke up friday, and I felt like shit.....I was SO sick, and although it was my friends b-day spent the day in bed, and was a total trooper and went out drinking that night. I only lasted until 1am, but it's better than nothing.

Saturday, my birthday I had plans to go shopping, dinner out and drinks. Well, since I could barely make it up the stairs without passing out, I ditched the shopping, and visited instead. We went for dinner, but let me tell you that i was home by 11:30, and in bed by 12:30. Special thanks goes out to the lovely girl for driving, and to the rest of them for not making me wear a SARS mask the entire time I was with them. *if any of you are sick today, my regrets*

Sunday was family birthday day, and it was a good time. Even 2 old friends from highschool showed up which was a complete surprise, as I havent seen them in months!!! Drove back to school, and of course, since its monday....i feel GREAT!!! No more sickypants! Ugh. Colds are so inconvenient!

However, I do have to say, horror beyond horrors last night, driving home started a chain of bad events that left me feeling bitter and spiteful!

Driving home last night, pitch black, no cars on the road, flipping through radio stations, until I find a station....I've got "scan" going, and as it flips from one station to the next, I hear a familiar twang of a song as it skips to the next station. My attention is focused onto the radio, as I stare in disbelief...."It CANT be" I think to myself..."it's only November 6th".....but as I press the scan button back once, it flips to the previous station.....and what do I hear??? Thats right people...CHRISTMAS CAROLS!!! An entire station devoted to Christmas carols....I've even got a mouth full of hot chocolate which I just about choke on. Christmas carols in November.....What is the world coming to??? Do you know, the nearest pharmacy has had christmas decorations up since the end of SEPTEMBER??? This isnt the north pole you know *DESPITE what every american thinks of canadians living in igloos*.....Sigh....Christmas.....48 shopping days left.

I come no messages. I shouldnt be surprised as I just spent a glorious weekend with everyone I could have ever wanted to see in a 3 day time frame...but there's one person who didnt call.....someone who i've come to care about deeply, as we've been quasi involved for the past 2 years. But, he blew it off, and didnt bother. Fucker.....*this is what i meant when I said that people dont do romantic things for me, remembering to call me on my birthday would be good enough*

My land lord pounds on my door at 10am, becuse something is wrong with the plumbing in the shower in the apartment above mine, so they have to come into my bathroom and try to look from underneath. At which point, he takes a sledehammer, and pounds it into the ceiling.....6 times. Leaving a gigantic gaping hole in the ceiling, and Plaster all over the shelf, the floor, inside the tub and the counter, and whatever was on the counter, and the shelf.....and then he left, and said he'd be back tomorrow....leaving me to clean it up. Mother fucker.

I'm go back to bed, as I am still mildly sick, and have class until 10pm, I want to rest up.....but my fucking asshole 18 year old neighbors have their TV set to "decimate" and its all i can hear since their tv is touching the wall where the top of my bed is. Not that it would matter, its so loud. I'm SO pissed off about things at this point, that I fling the covers off of me, go out into the sitting area, unhook my stereo, bring the entire thing into my bedroom, find the most annoying station I can find on the radio, turn the speakers against the wall, and turn it up as loud as it can go, and left it on for over an hour.....When i finally turned it was dead silent on the other side. I'm a spiteful bitch...and i'll be the FIRST one to admit it.

I wonder what ELSE can go wrong today.....

Thursday, November 03, 2005

This has GOT to be a fucking joke....


Heteracil - This is HORRENDOUS!!!

Who comes UP with this shit....its so shocking, I cant even think of anything to say about it!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Rosa Parks

Okay, so In my last post, I mentioned that I had the TV on. And in doing so, flipped through the 7 channels that I have, and tuned into a live rememberance service for Mrs. Rosa Parks.

If you do NOT know who this is, please go to your nearest library/bookstore/internet site, and look up civil rights movements. IF you are NOT aware that she died, or thought she died a long time ago, please pick up a newspaper once in a while. I feel no obligation to telling you who she is. If you do not know....please, dont embarass yourself by asking........go look it up on your own.

How many blogs did you find that said RIP Peter Jennings? Loads right? Me too.

How many blogs did you find that said RIP Rosa Parks? None right? Me neither.

At the memorial service that went on today in Detroit, that was broadcast live, there were so many people, to pay respect to this woman....the Mother of the Civil Rights movement they called her.....I dont disagree.

Speakers like John Kerry, BOTH Clintons, and a bunch of other senatorial and congress members were in attendance and spoke on her behalf. I LAUGHED out loud, when Hillary Cinton says something along the lines of "she voted in a day when she wasnt allowed to vote. Let this be a lesson to us, in a day and age where it is our duty to vote. Make sure you're voice is heard, and make your vote counts.....and lets make sure all of the votes are counted"

Kerry said something along the same lines when he said "in a day where every vote counts, and is counted, and the color of your skin is not"

In recognizing that B. Clinton was there, one democratic representative for the state of Michigan was there and looked over at Clinton, and said, I thanked you last, and most importantly, becuse we miss the days of democracy in Washington"

Talk about being diplomatic in a very biting way! And I I watched face after face get up and commend the life of this woman, and couldnt help but wonder where all the Republican representatives were......

Do they not feel that her message, and example is as important as the Democrats do? Everyone was wonderfully spoken, and eloquently political and democratic in biting undertones.....I am lucky to have seen it.

RIP Rosa Parks - 1913-2005....Mother of the Civil Rights Movement.

Its a Beautiful day in the Neighborhood

Okay. I'll admit it, I watched TV today....although, since I dont watch tv more than 2 hours a week, I dont have cable...and since I dont have cable, you can imagine what is on at noon. Nothing.....Except, Mr. Rogers......So I flipped the tv on with about 10 minutes left in the half hour, and decided to watch Mr. Rogers. What a crappy show...It was SO horrible that I shut my tv off at the credits, and suffered through 6 whole minutes of this show, and realized that it was the reason I only watch the Amazing Race.

Fortunately, my tastes have changed since I was 5, and I am no longer entertained by this show...

As for my midterms, I'm all done. And I did remarkably well. I studied my ass off for those 5 tests and managed to get A's in all courses except 1 B+, and a lower grade in another course. I'm SO happy they're all done....and there's only 5 weeks of class left...i cant believe that it's almost over already....

Its my birthday this weekend. Ugh....28 happens on Saturday! 28. Christ, it feels like I turned 20 last year....and I remember that I had a nasty bugger of a boyfriend who was talking to me the day before my birthday, and he said "this is your last day as a teenager for the rest of your life"...which upset me, as I was already sensitive about turning 20 to begin with....That was 8 years ago....and when I think of myself at 8 years ago, I was at the same place I am Windsor...going to school. LOL.

We've got lots of plans for the upcoming weekend. I'm going to go back to Niagara to spend the weekend with my friends....a day of shopping on bloor and queen, and dinner in little italy.

This weekend also happens to be one of my good friends birthday as well, and we have celebrated together for years....i havent seen him in a while, so it will be good to get drunk with him

This is my horrendous excuse of a post for today....sad...i know. Forgive me. I'm just out of study mode, and my brain is still a little numb.