Saturday, September 24, 2005

Midnight Ramblings.....

What is the definition of "right" that exists within the confines of a relationship? Everyone has their own definitions of what is acceptable, when it comes to relationships, and is it feasable to expect people to surrender their own specific freedoms when it comes to a mutual agreement on what is right?

Is it right that your significant other asks you to stop talking to someone that they dont like? Is there an expectation that you adhere to other people's definitions when it comes to relationships? I admit, to a certain extent there is....but where do you draw the line?

Obviosuly, when you are in a committed relationship, you are expected to give up certain freedoms that you had when you were single...no random sex, no accepting random phone numbers, compromise.....however, what if your definition of a relationship, doesnt mix with your significant other's definition of a relationship? Are you doomed for failure.....

What if you fight all the time, because you cant "make it work"...you're never on the same page...you think one thing, and your significant other thinks something else? You argue about the same thing time and time again, and its an ongoing battle becuase neither of you is willing to completely surrender. If you're both stubborn, and are willing to commit yourself to a certain point, but arent sure if you can allow yourself to go the extra mile......does it matter how much you "work" on your issues?

What if you love someone so much, and cant imagine your life without them, but are unable to make the other happy, no matter how hard you try, it jsut never seems to be enough....do you settle, or do you move on? Isnt that what settling is? You accept your fate, regardless of how miserable you might be sometimes, and just hope that it works out for the best. When is the point of no return, when you realize that you deserve better.....

What if your significant other contradicts everything they say? What if in one sentence, they say one thing, and the next sentence they say something completely different....are you allowed to ask questions? Are you allowed to ask for clarification without the other person feeling like you're attacking them?

What if you pay so close attention, that the other finds it to be a downside of the relationship? What if you find these inconsistencies all the time? It's just a part of your nature, and it's not soemthing that you can infact really control. You just pay attention...are you expected to just give that up, and keep your mouth shut...to make the other person happy? What if you are condemmed for your memory....you are yelled at for your ability to point out contradictions.....Do you stay, or do you give up?

What if after a long term, you still feel, and openly admit, that you're not good at making the other happy.....no matter HOW hard you try, you just cant seem to make it work.....you constantly feel that nothing you do is good enough, even if the other person never says so......

You try and you try.....and when what you swore to yourself that youd fix, it doesnt work......You're proud of the things that you've changed about yourself, and think that the next time the "issue" comes up, it will be okay....because you assume your significant other should be proud of you too....except they arent. They dont acknoweldge your changes, and continue the same way they did before you tried.....

Is it okay to be afraid, if you've had such a bad time, but continued to stay, and try some more....Is it justified to be afraid it just seems too good to be true? Are you justified in remaining defensive? Or do you jump.........and hope that the other person catches you, and keeps you from getting hurt again.

Is it impossible to agree on a mutual definition of what is "right" witin the confines of a relationship? Becasue sometimes, meeting half way, just doesnt work.....

17 comments:

yrautca said...

Many themes appear in your post. Unfortunately there is not a single correct answer to some of your Qs. For example, one answer in one situation is ‘love should not be so hard.’ The other answer is ‘you have to work on your relationship.’ As long as the work is manageable and is not a drain to you emotionally, stick. Then move on. Love should not be so hard. If they don’t notice your changes you made for them then you should confront them about that. Many people in a relationship also start wondering after a while if there is anything better out there. There is only one way to find out. But 50% of the time there isn’t anything better. So you know the odds. If they don’t want you to talk to someone you like then you should ask why. Communicate. See what their reason is. Are they insecure? Why? Have you given them a reason to be so? How can you put their mind at ease? No one can make another happy no matter how hard they try, if the other person is not happy foremost within themselves. You have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with another. I know from past experience that people sometimes reach a fork in the road or even a dead-end. One way is to call it off. The other is to step back a bit and give each other some time and space. Rethink it. I prefer the second route. Funny thing about love is you don’t know its love until its lost. Its like the Heisenberg phenomenon on electrons – you cant determine the velocity and the mass at the same time. To find one you have to compromise the other.

Clarissa said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lindsey said...

I think everyone has to come to a sort of compromise with things in relationships and a lot of them aren't easy. I don't think 'J' and I always 100% agreed on everything and there were times of hurt feelings but while I'm all for compromising...I'm not for giving up my life totally. I still kept my same friends (male too=that was the problem) and I still went out but I ALWAYS invited him along. It was his choice not to come.

Katie said...

I think about this all the time.

I don't think there is a right in a committed relationship. Both people might see things on a different level so there for your sight on what is "right" in a committed relationship are much different.

This is how me and Chris work. We see things on a different level and we can never agree on what right or wrong. We fight about it a lot and sometimes we can work it out. But I will tell you one thing. After fighting about it for a while and it gets really old.
I don't know how me and Chris work but we do. We have a very odd relationship but it works for us.

I also think some people think about things to much and it make things worse in the relationship.

Px said...

this looks to have got people thinking in a deep and meaningful way
so with that in mind i'm going to shut up

berly02 said...

I don't think relationships should be hard, and if they are, then my answer is to get out.
But then again, I believe there is no ONE answer to how to make a relationship work because each one is unique.

Phil said...

Wow Princess, you said a lot in there. If have insurance, call my office and set up an appointment. Seriously, there is no way to adequately answer all your thoughts in a blog comment. I think each of us has to find our own way in the relationship world, but there are certain things that are never OK. You should NEVER stop being 100% yourself to make another person happy. If you give up even a little of yourself to make the relationship work, then one of you isn't in love with the other. Ok, sorry, couldn't stop myself. By the way, did you already know that Depeche Mode is coming to Toronto?

Princess Pessimism said...

I know that you are all saying pretty much the same thing, and I agree....Happiness shouldnt be measured by the other person, but isnt it a lovely idea, that you get a rule book when you decide to settle down?

Everyone's comments are 100% accurate...and everyone SEEMS to be in mutual agreement of what needs to be done, but isnt it funny how it never really turns out that way in real life?

Clarissa....you have no idea how accurate your comment was....thanks for posting. It's good to see you out here....

yrautca said...

So you like Clarissa better than me. Is that it?

Where's our perverted friend hernesto. Got his balls cut off?

Princess Pessimism said...

Yrautca....LOL...No I dont like anyone better than anyone. I'm just really glad she posted, what she said really made a lot of sense to me, on a personal level.

Dont worry though, you know i still adore you.

And I have NO clue where hernesto is....maybe he got the hint.

kybruno said...

Hmm, nice post. To thine own self be true? We are all here for such a short time, finding anyone is nice whether it is right or wrong. We all tend to drift and then run into someone and just try to never leave. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. We all bring the things we want into a relationship, but there is no telling if the other person will want it.

Hernesto G said...

Wow, so I read a few other posts and you really - really miss me. You know, away from these blogs I have a life too. Maybe I want to get drunk on my weekend off, or meet some nice ladies for sexy times. Or work in my garden: plant a few seeds, lay some pipes, work with a hoe.

So, here are my two phenings: As President Ronald Reagan said to the Premier Gorbachev in broken Russian, "Doveriay, no Proveriay" - which means "Trust, but Check" this applies to your relationship. I think both sides need to have open trust, absolutely open, no holds bar. From that point on if someone is more interested in someone else, then let that person go.

So, obviously you are talking to other gentlemen and miss random sex - in that case, there is a possibility of seeing how you look in a photograph?

Princess Pessimism said...

Hernesto.

LOL...I wouldnt exactly say that I MISSED you....

Wrigley1 said...

What people need to relize in relationships is that you can't change someone but only a little. Huge changes won't happen. It took 20, 30, 40..etc to make that person who they are. Don't sweat the little things. they are mainly what brings up tension anyway, right? At least that is what I tell my significant other of 7 years.

Hernesto G said...

Oh, Princess... don't be coy, you know you missed me ;). Look at this whole blog, nothing but "Oh, where is Hernesto, that gallant devil?"

Hernesto G said...

Love is like a plum, once you suck the juices out it becomes a prune.

Princess Pessimism said...

Hernesto,

If you're going on who said "where's hernesto" then yes, someone DOES miss you, but it is certainly not me...it is yrautca...
Go bug him